I use time out to discipline my four-year old. It doesn’t seem to be working anymore. Not only is she still doing the same things that got her in trouble (writing on her table instead of her paper!) but also she seems even more defiant when she is through. Am I doing something wrong? 

I encourage you to take a look at your daughter as a whole and let this behavior be a clue to you that she may need something. Has some sort of change occurred in her life recently?  Perhaps a new baby, change of school, trouble sleeping, growing, conflict at home, etc. Try to be a “need detective” and help her to find clues to her discomfort. When children misbehave, they are telling us in the only way they know how that they need our help solving their mystery. Instead of concentrating on the writing on the desk (you will be able to clean it, she won’t always write on desks, she’s not a bad person, dealing with it can wait), keep her close to you and let her know that writing on desks is not okay with you and tell her why.  

Sometimes repeated unacceptable behaviors can be an indication that she has a real need or that she really doesn’t know what is right or why it is wrong. Chances are, when she is in a time-out, she’s not going through the list of the rights and wrongs of writing on desks. She’s feeling sad, angry, isolated, confused, lonely and punished. Teaching your children what the inappropriate behavior is, the effect it has on your or others lives and how they can change that behavior is a formula for successfully helping your child to change her own behavior. 

So take a time-out from time outs and really think about “misbehavior” in terms of this being a teachable moment. Your children will benefit tremendously.

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How do I get my fourth grader to do his homework?  Every night is a battle where I end up yelling and he ends up crying. His homework gets done, but it takes forever and is disrupting the whole family. I hate this cycle. Help!

Homework can be one of the toughest battles families face. With tougher educational standards, increased homework loads and more pressure to do well, that makes for a very charged situation. 

One very important fact to know is that getting homework done is your child’s responsibility, not yours. Homework is a contract between teachers and children. Think of yourself as a coach, standing on the sidelines. Let your player take responsibility and carry the ball. Be available for support, but let your child complete the task at hand from start to finish. The hard work will be theirs alone-but most importantly, so will the satisfaction of achievement. 

The following tips can help your child to succeed and can help you to relax and enjoy watching your child gain greater independence.

Turn off the TV. Reducing distractions will help concentration.

Provide all necessary school supplies. Spending 10 minutes searching for a pen or sharpening a pencil will distract even the most dedicated student.

Be committed to keeping a consistent study time and place for your child. Make sure other siblings and family members are equally committed by helping them to have their own study time or quiet space during homework time every day.

Make yourself available when your child needs you but resist the temptation to become too involved. He must learn to problem-solve for himself.

Make sure your child is nutritionally nourished and has had an adequate amount of “down time” (15 – 30 minutes) between school and homework time.

 Try some or all of these techniques and you may find that the days of yelling at your son to finish his homework are over. You may very well find a self-motivated, organized student who turns in his completed homework on time.

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What is a parenting consultant and how do I know if I need one or not?  What’s the best way to choose one? 

A parenting consultant is a trained parenting expert. Consultants can be certified parenting educators, therapists, psychologists, child development specialists or certified coaches.  

As parenting consultants, we look at your family as a whole and observe behavioral dynamics of all members involved. We usually meet family members and target specific dynamics to be corrected. We help the families establish different behaviors. Some consultants work directly with children and some concentrate on the parents. At Solutions in Parenting we do both. Many consultants are trained to recognize deeper issues within a family system and can work with other professionals in the community, such as therapists, psychologists, teachers, ministers, etc. to form a united effort in helping the family thrive.

Most consultants offer a chance to speak on the phone, at no or minimal cost, so you may decide if that consultant is right for you. Don’t be afraid to ask about the person’s qualifications, experience and professional philosophy. They should be willing to answer all of your questions.

Consultant’s fees can range from $90.00 per hour to more than $1,000 per hour. Price usually does not dictate the quality of the service, but keep your family’s budget in mind. Consulting relationships can last for months, though they can be shorter, and most will offer “package deals” or long-term rates. Each Consultant will vary, so be sure to ask about pricing fees and packages.

Deciding to hire a parenting consultant may be one of the most important decisions you can ever make for your family. Research your options and find the one who fits your family's needs the best.